1. used to introduce something contrasting with what has already been mentioned.
2. used to indicate the impossibility of anything other than what is being stated.

– New Oxford American Dictionary

I’ve always been fascinated with etymology and psychology (I should warn you though that I’m quite a debutant), so I get excited when I learn about the effects of words on communication and behavior.

I’ve been studying negotiation as a subject (cos I wanna make more money) and I learned about the effect of the word ‘BUT’. Too much words, let’s paint a picture. Imagine you were sitting across a client/friend/significant other etc and you are trying to explain your position on a matter, and after your fervent deposition, she responds with, “I understand you, BUT”. Now stop there, what goes through your mind in that instant, I’m not clairvoyant but I can tell you this, consciously or unconsciously, you think, ‘Oh gosh, this person doesn’t get it’.

The word ‘BUT’ is a communication killer, especially in negotiation where your main goal should be getting on the other person’s side without losing your interests. When you say ‘but’, it causes a defense, attack, or retort. If you spend an hour telling me how much you agree with my views, then say the annoying ‘but’, I would immediately feel you were patronizing me all along, and everything you said before that ‘but’ was horseshit.

So, what is the alternative to ‘BUT’. I have found that a simple ‘AND’ works much better, when the word ‘AND’ is used it feels like an addition not a negation. I feel; oh, these person understands me and also has this concerns, she isn’t saying two mutually exclusive things, the former before being garbage but the latter being her real thoughts.

I have used this quite well and I continue to use it in communication and negotiation. I would write later on the immense benefit of getting on the other person’s side, and how most of what we do in human communication is negotiation. For now, practice using ‘and’ instead of ‘but’, and let me know in the comments below other cool substitutions you have for ‘but’.